An introduction by Intern Mike:

hi there this is intern mike. i was supposed to meet jakk at the buffalo Wild wings in the bunker but hes not there, or anywhere i can find. his computer had this article sitting here and ready to publish so im hitting publish. i guess. call me if u find him.


Steve Jobs is Back with iNecromancy, But Hidden From Public Eye

When Steve Jobs died the world was in shock. A man who basically created technological innovation as far as pop culture is concerned, seemed too monolithic to succumb to such earthly imperfections as disease and death. Yet, as he sat on his throne of gold that would flush only for his fingerprint and facial scan, he passed all the same. Apple stock plummeted, the tech industry shuddered, and Microsoft began reanimating their Zune advertising team from the burning shambles of failure.

The tech world suddenly looked different. Open. A vacuum was left; who would fill it? Bill Gates was too old and dorky. Jeff Bezos was too busy lashing Amazon warehouse workers. Elon Musk had tunnel vision on Building Better Worlds. And Mark Zuckerberg was and still is a douche bag. There was not a soul to fill the void. Apple began to fail. They forgot how to install a basic headphone jack into their new iPhones. They had nothing to wow a single soul, aside from achievements of their former leader, which had since faded into obsolescence.

But unbeknownst to even the most savvy at Apple, Jobs was not finished innovating. As any great inventor, he had secrets hidden within secrets hidden in his wine cellar that was actually a mudroom for his weird sex dungeon because he was super insecure. All the while board members thought he was annihilating his body with radiation treatment for his whatever-it-was cancer, he was creating a way to kill death. Well… ok, a way to cheat death. iNecromancy.

art by olivia cline


While the world thought Jobs was radiating himself, he was actually downloading himself. What no one knew is that Jobs had been working on a way to download his consciousness into a computer. Not just any computer, but a Super Cooled (and Super Cool) Super Computer that was capable of storing all of the experience, knowledge, memory, emotional walls and addiction issues of a healthy(ish) human brain. Jobs had conquered death by conquering his stupid human body. But, being a capitalist, instead of sharing this technology, he knew that the moral decision was to create a massive marketing campaign so that the uber-rich could afford immortality while the rest of the worlds stinking masses lived and died on a timescale relative to the house-fly by comparison, forever entrenching the slowly developing world-wide caste system that we all know must exist in order for 4,700 white guys to use the world as a giant ball pit, metaphorically speaking. This was Jobs secondary goal, his first naturally being to not die.

Jobs knew that the human race was not ready for a real singularity, the merging of human and computer into one, so he decided to create a “soft-singularity” where one could download their consciousness into a computer temporarily, while a clone of their body was being grown, in order to re-insert themselves from the Google Matrix into the Meat Matrix. This would be infinitely more marketable, and would allow for Jobs to return in full youth, appearing as a god among mere peasants, and sell his subscription based service to eternal happiness. He called it iNecromancy and he knew it was the key to the future.

And so it was. Jobs downloaded his consciousness into a computer nearly a week before his body died. There was a problem though. Instead of downloading his consciousness into his Super Cooled (Super Cool) Super Computer (or S3C3), he downloaded his mind into an orange iMac G3 that was for some reason hooked into the network by accident. His plan had worked, sort of.


When he revealed himself to Apple executives, he was met with shock, horror, laughter, and then revelry. He had become a god. A shitty god for the moment, but a god none the less. This caused the time tables for his iNecromancy subscription service to be pushed further back, as the pathetic RAM capacity of the G3 forced Jobs to speak at a rate of 3 words per day, but eventually it was ready and Jobs was transferred back into his S3C3 to await his clone body.

This brings us to the present. Jobs currently lives in a new clone body, somewhere on the coast of California, waiting for the correct time to announce his god-hood and unveil iNecromancy to the public. Rumors are abound that Jobs has personally contacted a small number of super elite in order to share these revelations with them and, presumably, sell them a subscription.

There is little to go on as far as investigating these rumors, but The Revere Report has many contacts and will be diving further down this rabbit hole in an effort to find the secrets to extending life beyond what our pathetic mortal bodies are capable of withstanding. We will bring you updates when… and if… they happen.

And remember folks, as always, stay vigilant…



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